fatima is in grave need of a social life. since i entered Pisay, i lost all connections to the social world. camon. i am one floating entity. and to think high school's supposed to be the time when you make new friends and mingle and all.

don't get me wrong. i am not your typical geeky-geeky person who's forever stuck in the library under a pile of books and all. i do have friends in school. and i think i have reason to believe that i've lots. i engage in different co-curricular activities in school and join yfc camps and conferences. but besides that, nadah, nil, null, zero.

when i entered pisay, my circle of friends was confined to its very walls. when i was still in first year, i didn't really feel it at first. i had friends in school plus my former school plus my friends in the choir. i would talk to my friends in csa every weekends. i would go to csa once in a while. i would go to their fair. and i even gatecrashed their christmas party and made a scene when i saw my bestfriend and we started screeching. yes, we were screeching. i think that was the last time i ever felt i still belonged. everybody said hi to me. yes, literally. even the people i never talked to once in my life said hi to me back then. they invited me to their parties and gave me food (only i was too polite to the extent i refused). i almost shook hands with my ex-crush (although it got completely out of hand when i started freaking out). uhhh... i miss the days. i also wasn't able to keep up with my choir duties due to pisay and had to finally quit. it actually pains me sometimes to see them singing during the mass in that revered choir loft while i get to sing only from afar. although i am now able to take the host every Mass, I still miss singing and after about ten minutes' worth of singing, you find out that there's not enough host for you to take and feel sad but then feel happy again because you know in your heart that although you haven't taken Christ physically, He's in your heart. i miss those days.

if you read the whole post, you'd probably notice that i just miss singing and my former school. i really miss csa, and the whole lot of friends i left behind. i miss the school that's been my second home for eight years. the school where i learned how to dribble a basketball (there's a special story about dribbling and me that's why i'm putting it here). the school where i felt i could be on top (no offense, but in pisay, i kinda lost motivation). the school where i was considered one of the best coloring people by an art teacher. the school where i felt special. the sad thing is, i don't think i'd still be able to make up for the time lost. i don't have any communication with my friends now except for a really small number. i don't even have their cellphone numbers or e-mail addresses. my only connection is friendster and i'm not even sure they're still using it.

i may be exaggerating for half the part but this desperate desire to reconnect with my grade school friends is just killing me. and it doesn't help that i just saw my pre-school and early grade school pics last weekend. i really miss my school and my friends. i just wish pisay invited them for ymsat.

note: pisay, i still love you(really, i do). and pisay friends, i love you more (may unique happenings din naman sa pisay eh, aktulad ng pag-aakala ko na na-inlove na ako).

all so familiar... oh so familiar...

bakit? bakit? bakit di ka sumama??? nerd!!!

dati, intersection. tapos naging interbatch. ngayon, pati ba interschool? hanggang daliri na lang talaga.

this better be good! this better be good!

ikaw na sana pinaka-cute sa kanilang apat, relatively. kaya lang, ikaw rin pinakamataray. mr. taray!!

ang galing talaga niya. amazing.

they produced fudge out of virgin coconut oil. and you think they only produce cute guys...

really? that's amazing!

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masaya na malungkot ang ymsat week. pero ito ang pinaka-masayang part. go ateneo si clarisse kahapon sa interscho. this must be a miracle.

i actually decided not to make ane entry on the prom until now... i realized that i need to give people their due credit and duh, i need to share...

first off to the organizers the prom was really great. it was.. the only downside was that the dancing started quite late... but anyway.. if any of you hear that i didn't enjoy the prom, it's not because of the prom itself. i have other issues.

to kuya dan, kuya ed, nico, rob, hopee and henson. thank you. thank you at nagpapilit kayo na isayaw ko. haha.. well, except for kuya dan dahil sila clarisse ang nagsabi sa kanyang isayaw niya ko. haha.. kuya, ikaw ang official first dance ko..

to the 7 other stag beryllium girls. (in order of the class numbers) kat, gihan, keisee, lara, clar, joanne, kimer. you made the prom, especially the dancing time, less depressing. i had fun eating and talking with all of you. go dessert!

to dahlia... (in order of class number) patrick, marlon, jovi, luigi, angelo, jed, kevin, louie, neil, lawrence, nico, hopee, jerico, aj, audrik, henson, vinzon, lou, egg, ray2, mich, shayne, kamae, dane, mari, mithi, charm. it was fun to see all of us in coats and ties and gowns but still the noisy and fun bunch. ang saya ng picture taking...

to clar, thank you for being my date.. haha.. joke.. at sorry for not accompanying you to the lobby. malapit na kasi akong sunduin nun and i was still waiting for something and you know enough that i needed to be in the dance floor while doing that. sorry talaga. 

to keisee... salamat.. thank you for being there especially that time in the lobby. i could have died right there and then if only you didn't go to my rescue. salamat. at ok lang yan.. hayaan mo siya.. it's his loss...

and lastly.. to you... hindi kita nakita ng mabuti pero i know you looked good. you always do. i'm giving up, just so you know. i've done all i needed to do. it's just not worth it. if ever you notice that i'm growing cold towards you, it's all part of the mechanism. i just hope that when i've moved on, we'll be friends again.

i'm at it again...

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i've long realized how vulnerable i am. but still, it never fails to astound me each time of how vulnerable i could be.

i could never put up a wall. people could see right through me. with me, the saying what you see is what you get goes true. my feelings and emotions are all in display that can people can tinker with it in every way. i could put up a really good front one day but only a word, a phrase would give me all away.

the worst thing is, i'm always most vulnerable to this one special person. in this case, surprise, surprise, it's you.

i've put up a good front. i've made up my mind. everything could have been fine except you had to make it harder for me. why is it that you have to send that passage? of all the passages in the Bible, why did it have to be that passage? and why did you have to transfer seats? why? aren't you doing fine in where you were?

i would have loved writing about how my plan is going well. how i believe in about a week's time i'm over you. how in a week's time, i would be free. how in a week's time i would have seen you in the light that i should have seen you in, ever since. how in a week's time i would be all right. how in a week's time i wouldn't have cared about you. how in a week's time i could finally look you in the eye. how in a week's time, my life would change.

i anticipated and expected it to be hard. but i never thought it would be this hard. i'm not getting further.  if not for my pride, i'd adamantly admit that i'm getting worse (and ironically, i am doing it now).

so tell me, why is it this hard?

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DISCLAIMER: this post is another of those posts where i try to be profound and fail to do so (i think). if ever you are able to read this (which i doubt), i am not blaming you, in any way. it's just my way of putting it. everything is clearly my fault. i've already had the chance of making the mistake of blaming my fate to other people. i've learned my lesson.  

is his name that common to English-speaking people, especially to chick-lit and young adult authors?

why does his name need to be in every other chick-lit and young adult book i'm reading?

could the world keep getting any better?